Hello, my friends, this is the CEO of Electric Team Comics, Ltd., back from a three week business trip to Bangladesh, Belgium, and Peru. The trip was extremely productive, and I’ll be happy to tell you about the important business deals I negotiated–and what they mean to you, the consumer–at a later date. For now, I’d like to address what transpired in my absence.
Before I left, I put the Senior VP of Internet Marketing in charge of making regular updates to this blog. I fully expected to return home and find 6, 8, or maybe even 12 blog posts. You can imagine my shock and consternation when I, fresh off the plane and still jet-lagged, logged onto my computer, planning to just skim those posts, and discovered that there was nothing to skim. I thought there must be some problem on my end. I refreshed the page. I closed the browser, and reopened it. I tried another browser. I rebooted the computer. I went through all these steps, over and over, until I finally had to face the facts–there had been exactly ZERO blog posts while I was out of the country.
Obviously, I was enraged. Despite the late hour, and the exhaustion I had only recently felt, I called up the Senior VP of Internet Marketing and made my displeasure known. I explained my displeasure, at tremendous volume, for at least half an hour, before I allowed the Senior VP to speak. Instead of reasons, though, I only heard excuses. “I don’t get paid enough,” “It’s been a rough month,” and “Blame the interns! I told them to do it!” Then groveling, begging . . . even some weeping. Disgusting.
I fired the Senior VP of Internet Marketing, of course, and good riddance. The next day, when I came into the office, I looked into this intern situation. It was worse than I had feared. The interns, who should be the sturdy backbone of a growing enterprise like Electric Team Comics, Ltd., were a shiftless and unmotivated lot who had clearly done nothing more than sip iced coffee drinks and play games on their tablets since the minute I walked out the door. I fired them, too–if you can call it “firing” when you’re talking about unpaid interns.
At any rate, that Senior VP and those interns will have new jobs in no time–the true victim in all of this is you, the dedicated reader of Electric Team Comics, Ltd. products. We have made a sacred pledge to you, reader, to keep you entertained and updated with regular blog content, and this month we let you down. I only hope you can believe me when I struggle to explain how shamed, how gut-wrenchingly mortified, I truly am. Let me share with you the message I have written on my hand with a Sharpie–a message which, indeed, I refresh every morning, so as to make sure the ink stays black and the letters crisp. The message is simple, only two words long: NEVER AGAIN.
I am currently holding meetings with the remaining senior executives at our corporate headquarters, trying to determine the best way to rebuild our customers’ confidence in us. More regular blog posts? Deeper discounts on merchandise? Free muffins? These are all possibilities under discussion. If you have any suggestions–for instance, which would be better, blueberry or chocolate chip muffins?–please let us know in the comments below.
No matter what happens, I want you to know that we here at Electric Team Comics, Ltd. value you, respect you, and love you for who you are. Thank you for your years of devoted patronage, and please give us a chance to win your trust all over again.
Sincerely,
The CEO
